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Male chastity contracts: do you need one? Are they useful? What needs to go in one if you decide to have one? ™

All typical of the questions I get about them.

The thing is, there's no "right" answer except for the one that works for both of you.

John, my husband, and I had one for a while, but for various reasons it kind of fell by the wayside, because John has given me full control, meaning it can be boiled down to just two words: "Sarah Decides".

But that aside, are male chastity contracts necessary?

And again, I don't know.

As always it depends on the individuals in a given relationship and what they want and expect from it.

If we put their utility to side for one moment, I can see the attraction of one, especially for a man, because it formalises the surrender of his orgasm and in that sense adds another layer of fantasy to the game.

You can laugh (and probably will if the idea of a contract doesn't resonate with you), but it's almost like having a "law" which your wife or girlfriend can "enforce".

Don't underestimate the power of a male chastity contract to thrill and titillate your man.

But they have real utility, too, especially in the early days of the game when perhaps the woman (in particular) is unsure of herself - she has an (almost) objective and mutually agreed set of rules she can use to guide her own responses and actions, which can be helpful particularly when she's having some hard-to-cope-with emotional reactions to her man's seeming discomfort, distress and sexual needs.

I've found, though, that after a while it perhaps becomes unnecessary and even restrictive. You find yourself either having to break or modify the contract (unless you write it so it allows wide discretionary powers in the first place). Again, there's nothing wrong with this and for some people it's going to work fabulously and even add to their pleasure.

My gut feeling, and I stress I tend to try not to think with my gut because it's a notoriously bad thinker in all of us, is generally going to be more commonly used where there's an element of dominance and submission.

It just has that kind of flavour, and I know this isn't always going to be the case because John and I have one, yet we aren't into the BDSM element at all.

And, of course, some people are against the idea of a male chastity contract at all. They feel it's too restrictive and limits the woman's choices - and if she's got control, why is she limited by contract?

Again, I agree. Hence my comments about how ours has largely been forgotten and can be boiled down to those two marvellous words I mentioned: "Sarah Decides".

Ultimately it just depends on what you want and what you feel about it. If you want a male chastity contract, have one. If you're worried about what to put in it and looking for the "right way" to do it, then you're already falling into the trap set for you by the Chastity Taliban.

It's your contract and governs how you and your partner will interact with each other, so you write it any way you like. I do know some people like it to read as if it was written by a lawyer, full of words like heretofore, thereinafter and first party of the second part, and while I think that's a bit silly (I think it's silly in real contracts, too, because there's no reason not to write legal documents in plain English), it's entirely up to you.

What I do caution you against (men and women but especially the men) is just writing one and plonking it down in front of your partner, thinking this is going to count as a "gentle introduction" to your desire for playing this kinky game.

I promise you, it almost certainly isn't going to get you the response you want. For one thing, your male chastity contract will most likely be viewed as a list of demands, and, if this is the first thing they've ever heard about it, they're going to be pretty damned strange ones at that. In law a contract has to meet three criteria before it can be considered legally binding: it has to have full disclosure, consideration, and consent.

So discuss terms and give her (or him) time to think things over.

Oh, what a surprise... we're talking about the need for lots of open, honest and clear communication again.

How boring!

But you can't neglect the ground rules.

Virtually without exception, every time I get an email from someone who has come up against practical and emotional problems in playing the chastity game with their wives it's because they didn't take the time to set the ground rules properly so each is really not quite sure what the other wants or expects.

I'm guessing if you're going to play this game you want to play it in a way you both enjoy, right?

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